Weight Loss Sabotage

I was talking with a woman last week (let’s call her Karen) who told me that her mother said to her “You are wasting away and losing too much weight too fast! You know that Dr. Oz says that you should lose weight very slowly and you are doing your body more harm than good.”

David L. Katz, MD, MPH, director of Yale University’s Prevention Research Center and author of The Way to Eat, says, “Sooner or later, you may find yourself in a toxic nutritional environment — almost all dieters do.” In Karen’s case, her mother is speaking out of “Fear” for her health.
Some other things that people might say or do to throw you off course: 

• Act insulted. “You don’t like my pot roast all of a sudden? You’re too good for my cheesecake?”
• Mix up food with love. “You don’t come to dinner — you don’t love me anymore.”
• Make you an outsider. Katz says this sometimes happens among co-workers. “You can’t eat Mexican because of your diet, so we will see you after we go out.”
• Leave food around. The big candy dish on the receptionist’s desk in an office of dieters. Or: “Here, one doughnut left, want it?” The leftovers from the office party. Or the spouse who keeps dragging half the chips in the store into the house.
• Make up special celebration rules. “We are at a fabulous restaurant – you must have another glass of wine.”
• Impart discouraging news. “I am so proud of you for trying this, even though you know that 95% of people fail to keep the weight off.” Or: “It’s not my business, but don’t runners get a lot of injuries?”
• Volunteer amateur psychoanalysis. “You know, you don’t seem to be as funny since you lost weight.”

Why do the people that we love try to sabotage our weight loss efforts? Of course, in Karen’s case, her mother means well but consciously or unconsciously, sometimes the people we love and trust the most can derail our attempts at leading a healthier lifestyle. 

Katz says one of the most common reasons is that people who are themselves overweight (two-thirds of Americans are) and the feel threatened. “Most people struggle with weight issues,” Katz says. “If I am fat and you go on a diet, you put me in the uncomfortable position of feeling bad about my own weight; deciding to do something about it, which I may not be ready to do; or trying to talk you out of what you are doing.”
Friends may think you want to change your life in other ways -- maybe you'll be leaving them out of your "new and improved" circle of friends along with your new, healthy lifestyle. A friend may also feel guilty about continuing to eat your formerly favorite foods while you eat lighter fare. Or she may miss her "partner in crime" if you frequently ate together or shared "bad" foods.

Co-workers tend to be competitive. If you are succeeding at something, even losing weight, it makes them look less successful. Plus, you might attract notice for a promotion.

Spouses and significant others may fear that if their partner gets thin, they may find someone else. ‘My wife is getting so sexy; she may not find me attractive anymore and dump me.’

A family member may resent the time you spend exercising or preparing healthy foods (particularly if they themselves partake of neither) when you could be spending time with them.

Being reassuring to the dieter may be a higher form of love. “A mother may think it’s her job to make the child feel better about themself. The mother may be on a mission to get a daughter to accept her size.”

The first step in dealing with diet sabotage is to recognize it, stick to your weight loss plan regardless of their efforts and then work to establish new boundaries between you and the saboteur.

Have a heart to heart about your weight loss efforts and explain that their support means a lot to you. Point out examples of statements that have made it harder for you to stick to your plan and offer some suggestions when appropriate:

• When you prepare a meal for us, I would prefer it if you didn't offer me seconds. Please don't take offense when I refuse.
• When you bring snacks or fast food into the house, please try to eat them in another room or at least, don't offer me any of yours. These are problem foods for me and hard to resist them.
• I feel more likely to stick to my walking routine if you will join me every now and again. It's something we can do together.
• I am carefully watching what I do and don't eat. If I do slip now and again, believe me, I am aware of it. I don't need you to point it out.
• Let’s plan a fun vacation when my goal is achieved.

If worse comes to worse, you may need to separate yourself from the person for a while. Having a break may give the person a chance to step out of the day to day process of your weight loss and allow you to pick up where you left off after you have moved into maintaining your new lifestyle which might be an easier matter for them to accept.

Each situation is different and only you can decide what is best for both your relationship and your weight loss journey. Remember, no one is able to make you eat or do -- or not do -- anything you set your mind to. It is your body and your health at stake and you have to take charge of it ... no one else can.